How to Rekindle the Spark in Your Relationship/Marriage

People who have ever experienced or witnessed starting a fire know that it requires kindling, which can eventually allow the slightest spark to turn into an enormous blaze. Once an intense fire has been set, it is maintained through attention and care or dies out. Similarly, rekindling a relationship often requires dedicated effort and support, such as seeking online couples counselling, which can provide the tools and guidance needed to nurture the relationship.

Signs Your Relationship Needs Rekindling

It is expected to experience attitude or behaviour changes within a relationship as you naturally synchronize routines and get more comfortable with a partner. When you become more familiar with each other’s lifestyle and behaviour, the excitement decreases as there is less to predict or discover so frequently. This may appear to be a progressive lack or loss of interest, yet it is quite the opposite. 

Friendship and familiarity are desirable in a relationship; it is a good sign that you and your partner are merging as a unit rather than coexisting as separate people. There are a few signs to look out for to tell if your relationship lacks interest or passion and needs rekindling. 

#1 You Don’t Trust Each Other

One of the most toxic traits within a relationship is jealousy. When you do not trust the intentions of your partner’s actions - such as them deciding to go out with their friends, staying late at work, or new contacts showing up on their phone - more negative behaviours start to circulate between you and your partner. This will sprout increased tension that results in misguided issues within the relationship. 

Even if your partner has broken trust in the past, you need to address your concerns within the relationship immediately. Being as transparent with your feelings and thoughts as possible is essential rather than harbouring jealousy or resentment toward your partner. Being honest will always better resolve the conflict than hiding your hurt feelings. 

#2 You Don’t Communicate

Some couples are more open and communicative, but you may have communication issues in the dark about your partner’s career, friendships, family, or goals. You do not need to seek out every detail of your partner’s day-to-day life - it is still essential for you to live separate lives. 

However, knowing the basics of what your partner does each day - where they spend most of their time, what they strive for, who they are with - allows opportunities for communication, understanding the type of person they are, and whether you share similar values. Not being able to disclose personal information to a partner, especially everyday information, is a sign that your relationship needs rekindling. 

#3 You Argue Constantly

If you find that each time you bring something to your partner’s attention, it somehow turns into an argument, this may be a sign that your relationship needs rekindling. No matter the topic, whether it pertains to a concern within the relationship, your issue, or a work or family problem, the conversation always seems to lead to a relationship conflict. It is expected to experience disagreements, even on a frequent or regular basis. 

However, disagreements are not the same as arguments. You can disagree and have mature, civil conversations with another person, leading to a mutual understanding between each party. Conversely, arguments involve little to no listening, clear opposition, and differing points of view that only sometimes resolve. Constant arguments are a sign of an unhealthy relationship in need of rekindling. 

#4 You Don’t Spend Time Together

It is expected to have separate friend groups and time apart from your partner, yet this time should be the most time you spend together. This is different for long-distance couples, of course, where you must spend more time apart. But not finding time to spend together, especially quality time such as having meals together, planning dates, or sleeping in the same room together, is a sign that your relationship needs rekindling. 

#5 Lack or Loss of Interest in Each Other’s Lives 

The moment when you or your partner stop asking what is going on in your or their lives, what you or they did during the day, how you or they are feeling lately, or what you or they plan to do soon is a sign your relationship needs some rekindling. Coexisting without shared interests and experiences is a cause of concern for any relationship. 

Why Relationships & Sparks Fizzle Out

Suppose you have been in a romantic relationship or are currently in one. In that case, you may have noticed the natural progression of decreased intimacy or excitement between you and your partner over time. Many would consider this stage of transitioning out of the honeymoon phase - the beginning stage of a relationship where you and your partner are obsessed and infatuated. This phase varies in length between couples, yet it is rare to stay in it forever. Therefore, it is expected to experience the spark in your relationship to fizzle or die. Yet, the truth is that over time, one or both of you stop putting in the work necessary to keep the love alive. 

Maybe you stopped speaking to one another gently, or you’ve started punishing each other for making simple mistakes. You could also be spending too much time on a career opportunity or with your friends, which takes away from the time you used to spend with your partner. Major life events such as having children, changing or losing a career, or moving to a new city create enough stress to adversely affect your relationship if you don’t try to stay connected. 

Many of us are acquainted with falling in love based on all the information from movies or songs we grew up fixated on. We learn that “soulmates'' simply find each other in unexpected ways, that relationships that are “meant to be” will work effortlessly, and that you won’t need to work at a relationship because it’s something “true love” just fosters. 

However, these media sources almost always boast false narratives and never show you the happily ever after. We are rarely taught that love and relationships are maintained through mutual dedication, respect, loyalty, and communication. It takes the same commitment to rekindle the relationship once you notice the flare dying. 

How To Rekindle A Relationship

Why or how much you need to rekindle your love with your partner doesn't matter. What matters is that it is possible -  a small flame still exists within the relationship and needs attention and care to become that roaring fire again. If you want to learn how to fix a relationship, you need some emotional rekindling and dedication to invest the time and energy required to reach that mutual spark. Over time, taking the following steps in your relationship can lead to significant changes and help you generate a spark. 

#1 Be Physical to Help Intimacy Grow

Showing affection or intimacy toward your partner can be difficult during tension or stress. However, when you find yourself holding off on sex or being physical to punish your partner, you need to address that immediately. It becomes a significant cause of concern when intimacy and physical touch are low, especially with little to no communication. 

Research has shown that physical contact, whether sexual or not, causes your body to produce hormones that give you a natural high. This can allow you to enter a positive mind, especially for rekindling. Try to touch your partner frequently, even if it’s a simple stroke of their back or squeeze of their hand, as this will help to redevelop closeness and intimacy. Little moments like these can go a long way when fixing a relationship. 

#2 Be Curious About Your Partner

A good indication that a relationship needs rekindling is a lack of interest or care for the other person. Whether it’s simply getting to know their career, life goals, or even what they did the previous afternoon, listening and being curious about your partner is essential. This will help you understand the type of person they are and how much you both relate, and it will allow your partner to feel acknowledged and appreciated. Curiosity involves asking questions and practicing deep listening, which can help to relieve some of your relational issues.

#3 Schedule Quality Time

Many couples may believe they spend too much time with their partner. However, there is a difference between the quantity of time and the quality of time spent together. There’s a reason why couples who live together still complain about not spending enough time with their partner. This is because despite living in the same place, sleeping in the same bed perhaps and eating meals together, most of the time, these activities are spent disengaged - maybe one or both are on their phone, watching TV, or their focus is elsewhere. 

Couples who are more present and involved in the activity or conversation they share with their partners tend to feel happier and more secure than less involved couples. Even if you live with or spend many hours with your partner during the week, scheduling quality time with them is essential. Plan a fun date or schedule a window for a mindful conversation about each other's day. When both partners practice equal engagement, it can rekindle relationships. 

#4 Make Room For Healing and Forgiveness

Arguments and disagreements are standard in a relationship, but they represent who you are as an individual or a couple. Try not to take arguments or comments too personally; sometimes, the things said during a conflict are unintentional. People perceive the world based on their current emotions and understanding of the context, which means emotional states can influence how and what an individual sees. 

For example, a study found that fear increases focus toward potential threats and that sad moods alter the perception of difficulty leading to a desired destination. Therefore, hurtful comments from your partner in an argument may be their pessimism from their internal stressful thoughts. Learning to separate their thought patterns from their genuine personality can help them feel accepted and reduce stress, which can, in turn, rekindle the relationship.

#5 Build Strong Communication

Success in a relationship requires strong communication and an understanding of what you need and want from your partner. It is essential to check in and ask each other critical questions about the relationship because this will build strong communication and trust. Asking each other periodically if you believe you are growing in the same direction or might be growing apart is a mature way to know whether the relationship is helping or hindering you individually. 

Although a relationship means being an entity together, each partner is their individual at the end of the day. It is necessary to care for your individual needs and allow your partner to do the same. Practice having deep conversations about each other's needs, desires and goals. Try to engage in compassionate disagreements rather than fiery arguments. The more genuine communication you engage in with your partner, the better you will be at rekindling the relationship.

Sometimes, though, rekindling a relationship requires a little extra support. At CBT Wellness and Virtual Services, we offer couples therapy to help you and your partner strengthen your bond, improve communication, and navigate challenges together. Our experienced therapists provide a safe and supportive space for you to explore your concerns and develop strategies for a happier, healthier relationship.



Learn more about our couples counselling services and schedule an appointment today. Investing in your relationship is an investment in your happiness.